pornography

i get like 100 porn spam
messages per day on facebook
i know facebook
is in on it
if not
its awful engineering
on their part
when i ignored
the bots for some days
i got like 7 saying
IM SO HORNY RIGHT NOW
sigh
im grown up now
i dont need porn
a lot anymore
if at all
reality is better
using your imagination is better
a hug is better
a sweet smile is better
just TALKING to
someone is better
anything is better than porn
i try to go to xvids
every now and then
and it just doesnt
DO
it for me
anymore

here and there and some things

its strange
i noticed today
that i was sweating in
bed while having despair
even stranger
i smelled sweet
it seems like my
body did a reboot
i rested in miss
neighbors sofa for an hour
its only for 2 people
and im pretty tall
long legs
so i laid in strange positions
i have fibromyalgia
which means my lymphic system is broken
the lymphs only work when you move
and ive spent most of my life
since i was 7 years old
in front of a tv screen
playing videogames
or in front of my
computer doing art
but now i sweated again
it seems to have gone away
this makes me wonder
how all those people
who go OUT OF THEIR
WAY to not exercise
who take the bus EVERYWHERE
who asks their mates or family
to give them a ride
across the street
do they sweat
or is it all a lie
i know they didnt like me before
because i didnt smell like them
i smelled human
the rarest smell
a dog sniffed me
another one kissed
my hand over and over
often if a dog is
sitting next to their owner
on the train commute
i reach over to their nose
and let them lick my face
i get no diseases
nor rashes from it
anyway
i smell like an animal
like a monkey
and dogs love me for it
and cats smell wonderful
the neighborhood cats
dunno if its both
they love prodding their heads against me
and they smell like the sweetest perfume
no ones ever mentioned that to me
they say they neuter their cats
because the male ones smell so bad
and i know now
a lot of people who i thought
had lots of perfume on them
just have a lot of cats
anyway
ive smoked now for about 8 months
i changed to cigarillos
after i hit a woman
it was ok she didnt report me
but cigarettes have 80 toxins
tailormade for them in them
i also take dip or snus
as we say in swedish
i also drink coffee
if i hadnt busted a wisdom tooth
by DRINKING red wine vinegar
id been more straight edge
still
i try not to take too much
now it gets worse
it was the end of the week
i had no cigarillos left
i get money each week
from my economy person
and she wasnt in on
giving me a few krona
so i could buy smokes
so
i
er
smoked koriander
and ever since
its been over a week now
im just not hungry
i did buy a bunch of groceries
as i found a hidden away 500 krona bill
but i dont feel like eating anymore
this is problematic
since my mom makes dresses for me
and the dresses arent fitting anymore
i trip on them when walking
so i need to hold them up
oh well
nobody is perfected
my mom has started having suicidal thoughts
i know its selfish in some ways
but i dont want her to die
or go through the same struggles
in the psychiatric system as i have
its horrendous
but i know
if i hadnt said
I WANNA BE IN A MENTAL WARD
when cops picked me up
after id been wandering
with sommer clothes
in a snow landscape
id probably been in prison
so for all the greys faults
they still do a job good
except wrapping me
up in leather straps
they have saved my
life more than once
anyway
neuroleptics make you
smell like a corpse
i noticed it at
miss neighbors
apartment just a
couple of hours ago
if you go to a real
dingy second hand store
youll notice it smells like
rot and mildew and dust
if you put these together
youll get the smell of a corpse
if you havent smelled one
or yourself when youve
been neuroleptized
then all the better
i dont want anyone to
know of that foulness
anyway
just an open
diary entry
from my life
hi
i am tomas sofia
i am the king of
neptune upon lilith
i slept a couple of hours
and its the witching hour
and i feel fucking perfect
for once

(no subject)

i have so much anxiety now its just silly. ive packed down all my clothes so got nothing to change with. i guess ill have to pack up. if any of them were clean. probably not. omg :( yes i get anxiety from smells now. and.... everything smells. and one day i get anxiety from lying on my right, the next time i get anxiety from lying on my left. beine a double=soul is annoying :(

👽 the 👽 psychiatric 👽 system 👽 in 👽 a 👽 nutshell👽

being in the psychiatric system is sort of like being a kindergarten teacher or a parent of multiple children. theres all these people you constantly meet who act like assholes and you have to pretend to like them and that its for the better. your patience gets tested constantly, and at the end of the day, youre left with nothing but doubts.