i am 1 i am 0

hey i know i spoil it all by adding an intro. but it makes me happy to make tracey happy hopefully. so, yayness, another poem! i was SO crushed when i wrote this. it might show. anyway. n-joy!!!!!!!! ^______^ it was a really dark night. but as i had showered after 2 hours of misery, a bird tweetered "du är vacker tomas" yes i could hear it, it tweetered more and that i didnt understand but it did say "you are beautiful tomas"

i want to have a car
because thats how happy people do it
i want to have pets
because thats how happy people do it
i want to be married
because thats how happy people do it
i want friends
because thats how happy people do it
i want to have a job
because thats how happy people do it
i want a better memory
because thats how happy people do it

but i get a ride anywhere so its ok
at my last apartment
cats visited me so its ok
i am married to a woman i
havent seen for
2 years and i love her
more than ever
anyway so its ok
i gain friends and lose friends
all the time and i
learn from it so its ok
i am an artist so its ok
with perfect memory you have
unhealable trauma that goes
round and round so its ok

no one is happy
happy people die
because theyve
done what they need

i want to make a better poem than this
of what i wrote in my head during anxiety

i want to be without anxiety and i got it
and nothing was left
nothing was left

the cocaine did its part
the speed did its part
the dip did its part
the beer did its part
the smoking did its part

i want my own life back
but how far back
it was just misery in another way

i had bella and we did get
marriage tatus on our ringfingers
shes gone and i met someone new
and i barely write anymore
i write to people
what is called friends
but i dont care for it
i want my own life back
but who doesnt
when theyre at a point of no return
i am lifeless
i am one
since the cocaine
i am soulless
i am zero
since the cocaine

be careful what you say
be careful what you do
be careful what you think

it all comes back
like physics say
the karmic laws of the universe
i am writing this
completely dead
you dont want to be like me
i am dead
i am cocaine in the brain
i am dead
i am dead
i am dead
no day is something
to look forward to
no instance is something
to look forward to
no friend is something
to look forward to
just bits and pieces
and the rest
misery
loneliness
pain and more pain and more pain
i am dead inside
i am dead outside
i look like shit
this is what growing old feels like
it wasnt when bella left me
it was the cocaine
it was the cocaine
i am 0
i am 1
i am nothing
i am nothingness
just pain in more pain
just work for no reward
my karma is off the walls
and im not
writing
this to anyone
it just stops the pain
for a moment
but im dead inside
from all the drugs
im lying at a 90 degree slant
because staying upright
isnt for me anymore
i am dead
this is what being dead feels like
and it will get worse

i wish i didnt believe
in conspiracy theories
because thats how happy people do it
because thats how the
winners will do it
hacking
menstrual pain
groin pain
just wank some more
and more and more
think more about sex
no thanks
i am old now
it doesnt interest me
i dont know what does
getting a higher score
in a computer game
how stupid
how stupid
how stupid
and people seem to be fine
with their limited vocabulary
i am barely breathing now
where did all the happy people go
i dont remember them
just bitterness
just disgustingness
just falseness
sorry about that
i excuse myself now
it just happened
one woman said that
was good about me
it improves my karma
but dead people are still
alive in the graves
roll over as they say
how do they go about their lives
i wonder
ive been dead so many times
but this is the worst
but it is better
since i write
but the drugs have
taken any life out of me
if i dont smoke computers wont work
if i dont use dip i get crazy
obsessive compulsive disorder
which makes everyone shy away from me
if i dont do drugs i dont get lucky
but my luck is over
my left hand is hurting
which is logical
since i landed on it
10 meters jump
theres no much left
but my heart is strong
i dont hurt a lot
i hurt a lot
i get migraines now
its just intolerable
pills dont help
they should say
drugs dont work
but drugs are pills as well
and neuroleptic inejctions
dont get me started
im tired
i wont fall asleep
ill listen to the fans sound
befoer it bursts into flames
one day from all
the dirt it aqcuires
i worry about that
sorry about this
sorry about all
people talk about how high they get
they never talk about how low they get
so i talk about it
dont get high
youll get just as low
if you dont
one day you get all the lowness in one
its not worth it
eat healthy
live healthy
work healthy
all healthy
its the only way
but its a sick world
so it doesnt matter
i figured lately most people
on this prison planet
have gotten used to the enviroment
theyve rebirthed thousands
if not million times
as a demon
or as bellas favorite quote from me
demons live in heaven
angels live in hell
therell be no more tatus
miss economy is only mean
and ill get migraine from that
i am stuck in my apartment
anything else is punishment
and its also punishment in here
and its just starting
a have a lot of pain to go through
a lot
and i see no point in pain
i saw no point in mental pain
but without it
as in now
i dont write
not much makes me happy
as a taurus in the sun
i only want to feel peace
and peace is
over with
with the drugs
//thosfmia neplith
i have another name
but i do not remember it
this name is short for
tomas sofia of neptune
upon lilith
just so you know
but i will change
my name once again
//Morphine Rebirth

(no subject)

life aint

perfect

just

live

it

live for truth

hey this i had only blogged about. so. poetry, commence! ^_____^ im listening to MTV on youtube omg.... :) <3



so
an old story by my means
i hit town to get drunk
which is quite unusual for me
omniquite
anyway
i was gonna go to a bar
have a drink
and go home
had no more hopes
but as i was exiting
the commute
i heard music
latin music
so i headed there
i took a beer
and two
and three
and dared to ask
the ultimately lady
dressed in black and red
to dance
we danced but i
couldnt control her
but it was ok
then i took a fourth beer
some 20s chicks flirted with me
so i go to their table
then she gives me her phone
ok
i head home not much later
i forget about the phone
shower
have a coffee
yes i sleep from coffee
i fall asleep
and 3 in the morning
i get a beep on the phone
right
that one
it was her dad
asking
are you sleeping
at a friends house
quickly i realized
that girl had stolen
another girls phone
everything happens
on the other side
so i message him back
telling the truth
he comes 2 hours later
and says his daughter
gets in a lot of trouble
she drinks more now than
i did in his youth
he says
and thanks my honesty
now he just has
to find his daughter
i dont know the rest
of the story
but as they say
tell the truth
skip the middle passage
or
tell the truth
do not yield to anger
and anger can
show in many ways
like egoism
its anger towards others
who supposedly
have it better
than you
i am 0% metal in
chinese starsigns
which also means 0% luck
but i had a plastic
statue of ganesha
and a poster
and i made lots of
books for miss mom
one was about chakras
and ganesha praised me
i got 3 names
years apart
as telepathy
as im pisces in the moon
i am a medium
so then i got plenty money
for the rest of my life
as a praise
from the god
remember
no matter how lonely you are
there are always the gods
and angels watching out for you
dont give up
no matter what
then they win
then satan and
shaitan and demons
win
struggle
struggle
struggle
if its dark try to live through it
be ingenious
theres always a solution to everything
no matter how dark your
past or present or future
i now get migraines
and its a new world
but i suffer through it
i try pain pills
but they dont always work
and have strange side effects
they make me energic
AND I LOVE BEING BORED
lying in bed for hours
writing poems in my head
daydreaming
which others who know me
get as visions
so here you visionaries
this is for you
<3

^_______^

you sound like jeff

when he says he

does not get

enough pussy

JAG ÄLSKAR DIG BELLA

Bella sa en gång:

"Vad många bra dikter

det finns där ute,

när man börjar läsa.

Men det mesta handlar

om smärta och döden,

allt det grå.

Men dina dikter skulle

jag tyckt om även

om jag inte kände dig,

för de är spektrala."

🤍 💚 🖤 💙 💜 🧡 💗 🤎 💛

(no subject)

wow what a compliment. i woke up now and im ok? i slept like 1 hour or what? strangenessitude.

Such So personal, so honest, so strong.
You could win a poetry slam
hands down with this one.
It is so very well written
that I kept going all the way
through this very long poem.
(It doesn't ramble!)
I hope you plan to submit this
to some poetry/writing magazines.