vaa: (Default)
[personal profile] vaa
oh its real salty tears because theyre burning my skin. omg! cool. not. too. ok. im not sofia anymore this sucks. but she faded some week ago. when i started to eat nutriciosuly. woah. complicated. oh well :( like in this vid i uploaded on bitchute i could hear a faint womans voice talking the same thing as me. but i didnt transcend further. i dont care. i am me. i am only one soul. ok. two. but theyre the same. meow! cats dont come out if you say meow only when you do cat emojis >>>>>>>>>> ^________^ need lots per day and it has to come from the heart and when i realized it the cats stopped coming only 3 times but hey. im grunting in thoughts writtten im my old someone self again suckage. i dont feel like visiting miss neighbor she only wants to steal all my cigs anyway. with chocolate i can make it on my own omg anxiety all the time gone! wootage! maybe..... i cant handle the fifth dimension anyway. anyway. i dunno. its cold dark lonely and mweee.. :(

its only 6 o clock people are bumping eachother and ive almost never done that so hey.

oh. now im miserable already. 30 mins of gaming did that to me. the despair i get whenever will be horrendous. oh well. i guess is should log out of all my music accounts.

i cant believe the greys do this to people. i was healed. i was healthy. and they drow me to the ground. i was eating healthy. i bought so much healthy food. but. nope.

now im bad mood again but not as bad or maybe worse i dunno. not hungry. i dont get hungry anymore maybe its all those animal proteins. ive already eaten 25 eggs and its only been 3 days. begeezus.

things suck. why cant someone come to hug me and say everythings alright and take care of me and ask nothing in - oh right thats what parents do.

welcome to realiti.

wow. i hate facebook. those fucking thumbs up. fucking hate em.

oh. got a real mean message. private message. she was the most boring person ever and i lashed out a lil too much. she said like god this god that. and then she dropped the bomb. she wants me to give her money for "her siblings for their meds and food". right. then i said wise things and she ends up calling me a demon and may god have mercy on my soul? well. you never know what people you meet.

i wasnt even being mean just wise. but nobody wants wisdom in this world. not in how i meet people. they want instant gratifiation. i realized that with some weirdo. lesse.....

dum
svag
elak
falsk
bitter
äcklig

thats about everyone ive ever met has been like that.

translation

stupid weak mean false bitter gross

really. everyones like that. they flirt fast then if you dont have sex with them whenever theyre in the mood theyll treat you badly forever more. my economy person is like that. angels are demons nothing else.

angels are only surface. theyre dead inside from metric tons of alcohol.

yep. miss economy wanted to sleep with me. i didnt say yes. then she just turned to a monster.

shes that again. so i asked if she could order 4 books. she acted like a complete retard.

and now 1 week later i get to know i have to order them myself.

i also got to know that ill never get money to buy things.

im only allowed to buy things for 1500kr but you never know if shes in the mood to give me any money back.

the vaccine is the mark of the beast. i happen to like tatus. i dont like smartphones theyre devil worship.

of course she nags that i should get a smartphone. so i "fit in" to her stereotype.

shes fucking disgusting. she looks like a freak too. shes drunk more the last 10-20 years so she has huge acne scars.

the world is fucked up and thats all there is to it.

i forgive easily.

no one else does.

with christians its 3 forgivenss.

but its really only 2.

they save up on bitterness.

then they just blam you.

anyway. its lonely. it didnt feel lonely without chocolate but it was just horrendous all the time the last few days.

i tried to eat healthy, and then miss economy punishes me and the greys too?

what the fuck is going on?!?!

but i made a poem about that. dunno what it was called.

its like.....

if you make mistakes, if you ruin the world, the gods and angels dont give a shit.

they cheer you along.

then when you turn into a better person.

when you try to change the world for the better.

everyone just slamdunks you everywhere.

im so fucking tired of this fake ass wellness "take a deep breath and think of here and now".

it just makes me want to vomit.

and all this "god this god that". god means guth, which is a noble man of good reputation.

JHVH isnt god, thats just jesus. psaul made him up. hes just a story.

its all a lie.

and who do i write for?

all the 4chan trolls?

well. i can write now.

it doesnt make me happy.

photoshopping does.

it makes me proud.

that ive created something beautiful.

but..... who will care afterwards?

a thumbs up on facebook? did they look more than 1/10th second at it?

all that work? 5 fucking hours so someone can just glance at it and so "ok cool NEXT".

bella turned mean quickly. she wanted me to make art 24/7.

actually when she just added me on facebook.

she was like "can we talk on the phone instead of you sleeping?"

wtf?

i guess im borderline now.

its just how it is.

dont be mean to people.

they will strike back.

especially if its a big artist.

they will butcher you.

9 messages on facebook.

it doesnt phase me anymore.

i got 6 likes on some poem.

didnt care.

its just 6 likes.

nothing phases me anymore.

bella left me. and she took my heart with her.

hey. not really a poem this.

im just dead on the inside.

ive been so

since my asshole neighbor said

"if you cry one more time you have to go home"

then i stopped crying. i stopped for like a decade.

then i tried crying once in my room.

my parents were at home. nobody came to my rescue.

no one.

its strange how much sister lived in the same household as me.

and i just never heard of never.

never saw her.

almost never.

so strange.

but her fate is something different than mine.

writing doesnt make me happy.

if theres some evil or kind stalker or reader.

who gets anything out of this.

ok. awesome. should i have posted it on livejournal instead?

since someone like bombs me now and then.

writing doesnt make me happy.

it never did.

im so dead inside now.

i have about 1½kg of chocolate.

im not as hungry anymore.

since i got them proteins.

so eating doesnt help.

it actually worsened it.

i get "delete" demons when i do have despair.

i ignore them. but its not fun.

like ive said.

everyone at this housing is an extreme junkie.

its just atrocious.

and the staff take the most drugs.

when they deal out the meds.

i dunno. they just seep of evil.

can give me despair in a second.

and the meds with them.

this is concious. this is intentional.

and its nothing but evil.

they do everything to make you angry.

like once i remember.

i hear

"you can choose"

she mentions one option

big smile

i say something else

2 other options.

it eventually came my way.

but why do you have to scream at people for them to listen?

se7en quote

"wanting people to listen

you cant just tap them on the shoulder anymore

you have to hit them with a sledgehammer

and then youll notice youve got their in strict attention"

so eating chocolate just made my misery in another way.

awesome.

the greys are inherently evil.

except ive fucked up. and they helped me then.

but its just so fucked up.

all of this.

and im debating dropping all people im talking to (2, two)

that have been in prison.

since within you without you.

then ill end up in prison.

it felt like that a few days ago.

both times mr dj took all my cds

and that latina at the second hand store

who i payed the cds for but she didnt give me them

this is so fucked up

this is reality

this is death

"i have seen the future, it is murder"

yay. i wrote a lot. awesome. who will care?

my hands are ice cold. ever since i started smoking.

its not fun. its other ailments in them.

it is said cold hands warm heart.

but its bullshit.

cold hands and youre a fucking junkie.

warm hands and you create gold with your hands.

whatever.

oh. gross warning. i started farting too.

i didnt do that before for so long.

this is so fucked up.

its cold as fuck in my room.

and mirage isnt fun.

the people accepted me before i got my neuroleptic injection.

then afterwards the chat just got quiet.

they got mean. ignored me. even if it was any chat at all.

its always like that. leonard cohen talked about that in an interview.

whatever you want is always just just just out of reach.

im tired of being an artist.

but we are getting cbdc soon. sweden first. wow. awesome.

it would be so much better to commit suicide. self-immolation.

it will just turn to complete shit.

so soon.

miss economy is a fucking prime evil.

i remember i asked her something.

i ask her about it 3 months later.

and she hadnt done shit.

she bought me some useless ikea garbage.

she pretends like i dont have 170 000 kronor in the bank.

because im lower class than her. i need to know it.

fucking trash whore.

yay. i wrote a lot.

by myself. this sucks even more.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lb31ViArzIY

HEART CHAKRA HEALING Hang Drum Music || Attract Love & Balance Emotions

it was beautiful once or twice. but not much.

my new music is just algorithmic. i dont spend 3 months on an album.

i made 5 albums. happened to delete one. awesome.

no one cares. since if they cared about suicide.

theyd be afraid theyd be suicidal.

and no one cares about me.

no one would die for me.

just everyone i like disappears from my life.

or dies.

as if its my fault.

the reader. bernard schlink.

etc. who cares.

wow. this sucks donkey balls.

my vision is too strong.

the neuroelptics do that.

theyre both up and down drugs at the same time.

so if you dont take them you get up.

then down.

then its a fucking mess.

ok delete negative comments to tracey since demons tell me that.

awesome. wow. atrocious.

really nothing to do. its like 6 months ago.

just write and no return no giving back.

just horribleness.

and no one cares if youre down.

they just want to eat your energy when youre happy.

i try so hard at being nice to people

making them happy

showing their light

their beauty

and they just slap me in the face

if id get sick.

like. if i couldnt move.

the staff wouldnt visit me for months.

if you knock on their door.

they just dont open.

you need a special passphrase.

so if i ever get sick.

they wont care.

theyll be on a meeting for hours and hours.

then id check the next day if i can even get out of bed or crawl up from the floor or whatever.

oh great my face is heating up. demon skin.

this is all so fucked up.

there is no legacy.

there is no karma.

its just evil everywhere.

everyones just been so fucking disgusting to me. i tell from my world. it can be a few words. and they laugh disgustingly to me and shoo it off.

so fucked up.

its so cold

its so dark

its so lonely

its soooo fucked up

everything

right

now the neuroleptics

or the nanochip

made me hate the internet

wow

great

i love gaming but now i cant stand it?

ok.......

even weirder

i tried walking the 30 min walk

at like 3 in the morning

i..... didnt get any exercise from it

since i have drugs in my body

there are morph landscapes for everything

i need to rest again several times just stand still for a few secs

when going to the mall

the strange part is

on the 30 min trip i dont need to

but for 5 mins i need to?

wtf is going on?

what kinda world is this?

and me using tiger balm to heal my feet since i tried walking in those too small shoes my mom gave me that perverse freak

then the staff just turned evil towards me

hello? im healing myself? arent i allowed to do that?

the world is so fucked up

its just

god damn

i can see it all clearly

i was myself

no matter how battered i got from it

and then bella showed up

well

i summoned her

i wont be able to summon anyone again

and when i met bella

the greys chose to give me lower dose

i still got plenty anxiety even with just 1 milligram

i now have 300 milligrams per day + 200mg injection or whatever

its just so fucked up

well

dont treat people badly

and think you can get away with it

i tried this before

you stay quiet

to come up with lies to fit in your with lies

and its a feedback loop like that

so fucked up.

well. im happy for dreamwidth tracey <3

thanks for this site <3

youre lovely!

fuck

so tired of facebook

and even good wellness

it doesnt phase me

poetry

i get no emotions from it

i can talk a lot about it

did that on a facebook group to one persons poems

which the algorithm recommended to me

she just wanted her likes

she doesnt want words back

so fucked up

and whats with peoples body language?

what the fuck is going on?

can they ONLY do thumbs up and thats it?

thumbs up either means "fuck you up the ass/cunt"

or "youre an idiot and i fucking hate you"

what HAPPENED to body language?

not like there was any before facebook

but

god damn

this world is so fucked up

and its a prison planet

and anyone in the christian religion

either by birth or christening or the fucked up priests and nuns abusign you

or just the christian country

puts you in a soul cage

a soul trap

youll burn forever

except extreme junkies

who have had sex with satan

and killed god

so fucked up

ok new insight brb changing sitting position

masons are from the ice ages

yes they drink blood and eat human flesh

but there were people in europe

or all across the world

during the ice ages

there was almost no food at all

and if it got scarce

and you were the weakest link

well

they ate you alive

many african cultures do that

i know

ive met some

some said "i can throw you across the room if i want to"

and several have done weird voodoo shit on me

like that french guy who made me fall in love with france

well

fuck him

so im talking to a grey

and he goes over and hands in a bible?

like?

thats some great meaning in that right?

fuck it

like years ago

at the other housing

he just knocks on my door and hands me a deodorant

and laughs like a retarded junkie asshole

yeah you know how junkies smell

and hes a deviant

he loves eating shit

seems like everyone lieks eating theirs and other shit

literally

and I smell bad?

smokers ruin everything!

everything

well

better to write

dunno if i learned anything from writing this

i wont read it again

im just as empty as when i started writing it

but remember

dont treat anyone badly

online its so easy to stalk people

to talk shit about musicians or whoever

dont do it

it will come to bite you back one day

hey

not poetry

just

whatever

i couldnt handle me

only extreme alcoholics do

since theyre 100 dimensions

1000 thoughts per second

im mostly just 0 thoughts

when i draw its 1 line at a time

when i write its just a flow really

the problem with taking other drugs than chocolate

is that i need to take all of it at once

or i get no effect

and i only get an effect if i dont take em for awhile

and theyre much more addictive than chocolate

hey

this isnt poetry anymore

its not beautiful

sofia is dead

long die sofia

great

its not clever

i dunno what

just bitterness

now it just feels so empty in here

great

i have 1½ kg chocolate left

i dunno what to do

i cant fall asleep now

sometimes they come 30 mins early to punish me

but if i come 10 mins early they dont give it to me

it was like that the other day

fucking atrocious

if they come to the door you just accept the meds

not talk

since theyll force you into it then

and with their ÜBERevil whatever drug theyve taken

the sideeffects will just be so bad

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happiness is something you remember

July 2025

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