(no subject)

[vaa]

the gentle steps
of a leaf
crossing the street

the sounds
of an oldskool
mobile phone

the feeling of my
winter body thawing
in the spring sun

the urge for my heart
to feel something again

for someone
somewhere
again
please
i need it

i cry now
so my heart is alive
for the very first time

but i dont feel love
only sadness
happy sadness

maybe thats
what its like
to grow old
to miss things
people
happenings
places

a joyful remembrance
there is no hate
there is no indifference
there is only
love
for everything
everyone
everywhere

hi
my name is emma
emma johansson
im mostly sad
i can make people happy
but its only a
defence mechanism

i prefer being by myself
emma means home
but also universe
the universe is my home
my home is my universe

i like it here
hope you sneak by sometime
feel my world
i like it anyway
hope you do too

Comments

[vaa]

ah. wise tracey. yes. i moved 2 months ago. but more of the same. they have something in the ventilation, which is custom made for extreme junkies. i get a migraine from it. so i need to have it open the window and the stove fan on. but you know what. i hear birdsong more. i dunno how i survived before. and the spring wind on my face. just the most wonderful. and i got a new huge bed. wonderful <3 =*) it was rough in the beginning, on the day of my move i got into closed psychiatric care. then 2 more times. then i just figured hey i cant continue doing this. so i lived through the pain. hey. cigarettes and cigarillos give god damn horrible anxiety. so im happy thats gone <3 youre wonderful tracey! you have so much to do and you do em! i wrote a dirty story in my head, but then i figured, hey, ill make it into a poem instead! a proper poem for once, nost just streamy concy thingie. at least you reply more often than before <3

[deloric]

steamy concy - that's cute.
So the new place isnt so bad?
What if you didn't take the neuroleptiks?

[vaa]

exactly! news. so i asked 2 days ago (its after midnight now) if "if you can call to add meds, can you call to reduce meds", and they were like "sure". so the next day, as it just was, i removed the sleeping pills, and only had half of the paranoia pills.

well. i wrote of it. i think its gonna be ok. if people are meaner well im used to that. i coulda needed paranoia pills years ago, dogs always barking at me. fucking amateur psychiatrists.

anyway. i told them to call to turn off the ventilation. they put meds in liquid form in the pipes. at least theyre accomodating here. i just need another thing. like a ventilator through the window that heats the air. they had it at the last housing, why not? it makes a hella noise, but i got the stove fan on and barely notice it :)

maybe itll be ok. but i still wanna move. to my own place. theres "practice" apartments, if you fuck up, they change the lock on the door. but i dont think thatll happen to me. i hope. anyway. better tomorrows hey! ^___^